How did you end up with the partner you have? Did you choose from a place of being in love? Did you choose from a place of survival? A place of desperation? A place of reaction, wanting the opposite of what you had and hurt you? Did you choose consciously or unconsciously? Chances are if you were in love, it felt right, but that can still mean you were unconsciously choosing.
I call the dynamics of two people being attracted to each other and getting into a relationship, “Love Velcro”. Often this “Love Velcro” got us into what felt good because it was familiar, and because it was familiar, it felt safe and even controllable. The brain loves safety and predictability. Being in love can feel out of control in the best way, but our partner can fall within a safe range or “type.” There’s nothing wrong with this; I’m simply talking about what our brain is doing and how it’s making the decisions that will play out for years, decades, even for the rest of your life.
LOVE VELCRO
What is the phenomenon? How is it we can walk into a room and be attracted to someone we don’t know? Why does this happen with some people and not with others? Why can’t we control who we’re attracted to, no matter how hard we try?
I would answer these questions differently if you were in love and fell out of love. But I’m talking about the very beginning of a relationship when the attraction is palpable, and others can even feel the chemistry. It feels like a lock meeting a key or two sides of velcro coming together.
When we meet our Velcro partner, it can feel like we know this person. Even that somehow we were meant to be in each other’s lives. It can feel like you’ve been waiting for them and that now that they are here, everything will be alright. It feels like we can’t get enough of them and, sometimes that can feel like we know exactly what to do with our life now. We know how to give this person what they need, and hopefully they can give us what we need and that gives us happiness and purpose. It can feel like coming home while at the same time being on an exhilarating ride. Yes, both at once.
I would like to explain Love Velcro a little more; we are made of energy, our energy signature, “our vibe” is around us all the time sending out signals that attract and repel certain people and experiences. It is not verbal, it is energy, information and emotion and we pick it up with everyone. It’s this energy signature that acts as Love Velcro to our partners. Embedded in our energy signature is our whole story, our passions, love AND our pain and fear. Often when we feel connected with someone its their story and our story overlapping. For better or worse we are locked into a dynamic with them.
This journey with our partner can be fun and it also will be an invitation to heal because your partner will trigger parts of your psyche that are unhealed and need your attention, just as much as you will trigger your partner’s psyche. I have to say that as amazing as that new love feels, Love Velcro means we have work to do and that this person most likely will “help” us confront and face what is unhealed in our journey towards loving ourselves fully.
- Eg1. They felt so loving in the beginning, but then they would get so controlling and angry
- Eg2. I really felt I could help her, that she needed me, but then her insecurity became a turn-off, and I’m not attracted to her anymore
Flipside Partner:
- Eg1. She drives me crazy with her criticism. It makes me push back by getting angry.
- Eg2. He really understood how life has not been easy for me, but as usual, they get what they want then they leave me.
The best way to go into a relationship is to understand that we will be triggered by our partner. Also, to be prepared at some point for work on yourself. This is not a failure; everyone will have a chance to grow through relationship. The absolute gift of loving another person is the joy, love and deep intimacy that comes when you’ve faced whatever has stopped you from fully loving yourself. This is the Love Paradox that I will talk about next time.
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