What does it mean “to hold space” for someone? Why has this figure of speech entered our lexicon?
Holding space is when we can consciously make room for another person to have an experience or an outcome that they want. We are attuned to them, we see them and we hear them. In other words, we are very present for that person in the way that they need or want.
I vividly remember a scene at a wedding I attended ten years ago. The scene I’m experiencing again is watching my husband Malik, play at the fountain with our three-year-old niece. The sun is shining and reflected in the water, the sound of my niece’s laughter is in my ears, believe it or not, a butterfly appears to play with them. I’m very aware of how Malik has created a special bubble of love and joy around them. He is very gently holding space for my niece to play and experience full 100 % unconditional love and acceptance. Almost everyone turns to look at them, in silent reverence. It’s like “they” are in their own world and “we” on the outside can only watch. Everyone is quiet and wants to join in, but somehow we don’t want to break the spell that holds them in this magical world.
Of course, the spell does break when an errant aunt, (who doesn’t hold the same intention), tries to get in on the action. Her vibration is about getting attention rather than giving it and everyone turns away almost simultaneously to continue to eat or do whatever they were doing beforehand.
I believe the power of a consciously held presence is elevating and profoundly healing. I think we’ve all experienced a state like this but often we can’t hold it for very long. Once experienced though, we can return to it in our memory and allow it to elevate us once more.
Recently in a “presencing” session, I was a part of, one of us achieved a state that changed the experience of all five of us who were in attendance. Our small closed group has been meeting weekly, for over a year and this particular session will be etched in our memory and our bodies. One of us followed a body sensation, that led to a thought, that led to belief/pattern/ emotional charge. It also led to a traumatized child part of the psyche being able to be seen and held with love and compassion. This is standard practice for the group but what happened next was unprecedented. And really there are no words for it, a movement of energy with the corresponding release was palpable, the energy shifted to a higher frequency in real-time and everyone felt it. Whatever the others were thinking become silent and a feeling of peace washed over us. This was not a sleepy peace but a feeling of a deep, grounded connection to a power that was beyond us. It was all the more remarkable because it was a shared experience on Zoom. Each of us had a palpable shift in consciousness, the mind quieted, the body relaxed, the vibe felt noticeably higher. It was like we were lifted up and beyond our own small self, into the best part of us without trying. We were simply supremely present and in our bodies, feeling and listening attentively. One of us had transformed and in the held space and in the witnessing all of us had partaken of the moment in our own way. We had a profound personal shift because one person led the way and had moved a mountain of pain into vapor and set herself free.
I guess what I’m saying is that we affect each other, our vibrational field which is made up of our thoughts and of our unprocessed “stuff” makes an invisible bubble around us. This field affects what we experience and how we experience life. It also affects people who are around us.
We know that every thought, every action, and emotion vibrate at a specific kilohertz frequency. This is written about in the well-researched book, Power vs Force, by Dr. David Hawkins. He maps the entire spectrum of human consciousness, from the lower levels of fear, anger, guilt, and shame through to acceptance and courage and beyond to the expanded awareness that comes with love, peace, ecstasy, and enlightenment.
I believe we can permanently change our vibration, it has to do with how much emotional capacity we can cultivate, and how much love we can hold, for ourselves and for others. I think one way of changing our vibration is through trauma release work.
What is fascinating to me, especially in these times is the nature of our interconnectedness. Not just what we do, but what we think, what emotions we most frequently vibrate at, and how loving we can be to each other have a profound effect on all of us as a collective. Our presence and the quality of it matters, it matters a lot.
Peace, Anarah Holding Space for More Self Compassion and Love in the World.
Have you heard the term, “before times”? I’ve heard it a few times recently. It references life before the pandemic and before all the other challenges of the last few years. I’ve also heard a some people say that they want to be back in those days, and even back in previous decades.
This may show up in a variety of ways. Externally it may show up as a hankering to watch or consume TV shows, movies, foods, treats, etc. from a happier, simpler time. The popularity of the “Friends” reunion was an example of this.
Wanting to reconnect to the way it used to be before we collectively began the to face the challenges that we are facing now is a way to sooth our frazzled, overloaded nervous systems. It is normal and it’s okay!
The past was definitely not perfect. There were many aspects that obviously needed to be addressed and changed; however it did feel easier then. It feels good to acknowledge this instead of just forging on and battling through this moment in our collective history.
Take a moment and become present to how much stress you may be carrying. Breathe it out and then repeat three more times. Sometimes meditation feels like it’s too much. Taking three really deep breaths is an easy way to help yourself.
Remember we are connected, so we feel energy and emotions collectively, whether this is consciously or unconsciously. You may be carrying more than your own emotions. Releasing heavy energy through breath and visualization can and does help.
Remember to see a great future for yourself and for us all collectively. Our thoughts do matter, and believing in bright possibilities is so important, especially now. If we see it we can move towards it by taking action that aligns with and supports our vision.
My wish for you is that you can find lots of happiness and joy this summer. Hopefully you can enjoy some simple pleasures like ice cream on a sunny day, being in the great outdoors, and holding your loved ones close.
BTW I’m taking August away from writing and working so you will hear from me again after Labor Day.
Next Soul Cafe on Sept 9th!
Peace and Love, Anarah Holding Space in the World for more Self Compassion and Love
Sometimes you will be called to go deep into the temple, (your Self).Sometimes your unfolding will be in the marketplace, (among others and in society).
I stand on the steps of the temple, not ready to relinquish the sanctuary that it gives me.
Going back out in the world now, after an extended sojourn feels awkward and strange. I don’t know about you, but to be honest, I still haven’t ventured out much.
I’m an introvert and I’m super sensitive to energy. I can and like to be social, but to replenish I need to be at home, in my own space. I’ve had so much time at home now, that going out into the new emotional, social, political climate, feels like a lot of work.
I would like to be an extrovert as they seem to know how to have more fun. And, I also know the pandemic and the restrictions it brought have been hard on these folks in so many ways.
We’ve had a lot to deal with for a prolonged period of time. Remember, our brains literally change and adapt for our survival. Habits that have been reinforced with stress for a year have become somewhat ingrained in us.
Some of the ways we’ve adapted to protect ourselves may still be very alive in us. We may still be shielding ourselves, maybe from the virus, or perhaps from the different viewpoints that people have about the virus.
It may be a while yet until we feel safe, carefree, or even “normal” again. My message today is: Let’s be gentle on ourselves and others.
It’s ok to take things at our own pace.
It’s ok to feel some big emotions around all our losses, real and perceived, and our re-entry into life.
It’s also ok to reach out for support if you want it.
For now, I will meet you at the temple steps…
Peace and Love, Anarah Holding Space in the World for more Self Compassion and Love
How did you end up with the partner you have? Did you choose from a place of being in love? Did you choose from a place of survival? A place of desperation? A place of reaction, wanting the opposite of what you had and hurt you? Did you choose consciously or unconsciously? Chances are if you were in love, it felt right, but that can still mean you were unconsciously choosing.
I call the dynamics of two people being attracted to each other and getting into a relationship, “Love Velcro”. Often this “Love Velcro” got us into what felt good because it was familiar, and because it was familiar, it felt safe and even controllable. The brain loves safety and predictability. Being in love can feel out of control in the best way, but our partner can fall within a safe range or “type.” There’s nothing wrong with this; I’m simply talking about what our brain is doing and how it’s making the decisions that will play out for years, decades, even for the rest of your life.
LOVE VELCRO
What is the phenomenon? How is it we can walk into a room and be attracted to someone we don’t know? Why does this happen with some people and not with others? Why can’t we control who we’re attracted to, no matter how hard we try?
I would answer these questions differently if you were in love and fell out of love. But I’m talking about the very beginning of a relationship when the attraction is palpable, and others can even feel the chemistry. It feels like a lock meeting a key or two sides of velcro coming together.
When we meet our Velcro partner, it can feel like we know this person. Even that somehow we were meant to be in each other’s lives. It can feel like you’ve been waiting for them and that now that they are here, everything will be alright. It feels like we can’t get enough of them and, sometimes that can feel like we know exactly what to do with our life now. We know how to give this person what they need, and hopefully they can give us what we need and that gives us happiness and purpose. It can feel like coming home while at the same time being on an exhilarating ride. Yes, both at once.
I would like to explain Love Velcro a little more; we are made of energy, our energy signature, “our vibe” is around us all the time sending out signals that attract and repel certain people and experiences. It is not verbal, it is energy, information and emotion and we pick it up with everyone. It’s this energy signature that acts as Love Velcro to our partners. Embedded in our energy signature is our whole story, our passions, love AND our pain and fear. Often when we feel connected with someone its their story and our story overlapping. For better or worse we are locked into a dynamic with them.
This journey with our partner can be fun and it also will be an invitation to heal because your partner will trigger parts of your psyche that are unhealed and need your attention, just as much as you will trigger your partner’s psyche. I have to say that as amazing as that new love feels, Love Velcro means we have work to do and that this person most likely will “help” us confront and face what is unhealed in our journey towards loving ourselves fully.
Eg1. They felt so loving in the beginning, but then they would get so controlling and angry
Eg2. I really felt I could help her, that she needed me, but then her insecurity became a turn-off, and I’m not attracted to her anymore
Flipside Partner:
Eg1. She drives me crazy with her criticism. It makes me push back by getting angry.
Eg2. He really understood how life has not been easy for me, but as usual, they get what they want then they leave me.
The best way to go into a relationship is to understand that we will be triggered by our partner. Also, to be prepared at some point for work on yourself. This is not a failure; everyone will have a chance to grow through relationship. The absolute gift of loving another person is the joy, love and deep intimacy that comes when you’ve faced whatever has stopped you from fully loving yourself. This is the Love Paradox that I will talk about next time.
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See what one of our course participants had to say…
“The Conscious Connected Relationships Course has been such an incredible journey for me. When I’ve taken programs in the past it has felt like a bit of overwhelm to add the work to my typically hectic schedule. When it comes to this course though, no matter how busy I’ve been, it feels like I get so much nourishment from the sessions that I look so forward to them each week.“
– Michelle H
IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT (ID) SESSIONS
Logistical Details:
Date: Every Thursday remaining in 2020. Except for:
December 24
December 31
Time: 7:00 PM – 8:30PM PST Price: $25 *After 4 paid $25 sessions, you are eligible to have your own ID session (be the Subject), for no additional charge.
Payment options:
Vemmo (@Anarah)
Paypal (anarah@mac.com)
Canadians can pay through e-transfer (please contact me for details)
Are you in a pattern you don’t know how to change?
Is it possible you’re in a level of unconscious self-protection that’s keeping your real love from coming in?
Are you willing to look at yourself?
This month, we are exploring the topic of rose-colored glasses
How is it that we can find ourselves in a relationship that feels so difficult and wrong when it used to feel so right? How did this happen? How could we be at this painful place with the person that was supposed to be the one?
Unfortunately, it is so easy to do and we become lost in making things work, figuring it out, not wanting to be alone, or single and dating AGAIN.
The term rose-coloured glasses is used when we see the object of our affection as beautiful, amazing, flawless or at the very least, their flaws are so cute and attractive. Or maybe we even see those flaws as a challenge to be loved away by us.
Literally, the thing that drew us to that person is what ends up being the most difficult. Eg – They are so in charge of their life, becomes, they are so controlling. Eg2 – I love that they need me, becomes, I feel suffocated, why can’t they be more self-reliant!
The love cocktail that was in your brain, those amazing chemicals and hormones that felt like love, attraction, chemistry, connection, was so strong it literally overrode your frontal lobes. Anything that should have set off alarm bells become blurred and justified. Remember, we are all trying to have that happy ending to a part of our original story.
So whoever you find yourself in a relationship with, know that there’s a reason you attracted them into your life. Know that whatever they are bringing up emotionally in you, is actually exactly what you were unconsciously trying to achieve to have that type of person love you, accept you and see your worth. Again, unconsciously you believed if you could be loved by them then that would mean you were actually deserving and lovable.
Don’t worry, there’s a way through this…
On some level, we’re all wanting a more loving and connected relationship. And it is possible, I’ve witnessed beautiful breakthroughs. We can work with what we have and build on that. There are proven ways to make the changes inside of us to create the space for deep conscious love to flourish. It takes some effort, commitment and being ready for something that feels more honoring to each of you.
I can attest to the fact that even after decades, a deeper level of love and trust can be experienced. The amazing part is that one partner can do the work if the other is unwilling to. There are steps to understanding the dynamic between you and learning how to implement changes. And once you’re able to see what has been happening you will be on your way to lasting loving connection.
Would you like a free 15-minute consultation? Please call 310.579.1238
Identity Development Sessions
Logistical Details:
Date: Every Thursday remaining in 2020. Except for:
November 26
December 24
December 31
Time: 7:00 PM – 8:30PM PST Price: $25 *After 4 paid $25 sessions, you are eligible to have your own ID session (be the Subject), for no additional charge.
Payment options:
Vemmo (@Anarah)
Paypal (anarah@mac.com)
Canadians can pay through e-transfer (please contact me for details)
In this video, I talk about a specific cultural shift in the idea of what love is. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about what I consider to be a huge shift in consciousness.
